I put to you that album covers are more patriotic than the flag. The archaeologists will look back and say, see, look what they loved. How they loved it!
These are ten things I learned and observed while cleaning the bar, Gooski's, Polish Hill, Pittsburgh, PA, USA, yesterday, Saturday February 14th, 2009, beginning at 2:15 PM, ending at 3:05 PM.
1. I am most likely sterile from a single application of the caustic sanitizing formula used to mop the floors. Effective as it is, if you drop a fork when eating there do not observe the five second rule. Let it go.
2. The lozenge I found beneath the Dark Knight pinball game machine, it turns out, is hydrocodone. Initially I mistook it for a Runt. Do you remember Runts?
3. One should never abuse opiates. Abuse leads the direct way to the obliteration of self love.
4. Music helps distract from the odor of fetid revelries. I like Slayer's Haunting the Chapel or Schoenberg, as their abrasive qualities--and only their abrasive qualities, can surpass the annihilation of those fetid revelries of Friday.
5. Emptying skunked beer trash bags in flurries on Polish Hill has a humbling Bruegelesque quality to it. Also, the visual gratification of seeing one's own breath at the mouthing of the words: fuckin a. That's also nice.
6. Women, by volume and weight, produce significantly more lavatory garbage than do men. Also, their graffiti is better. Also, their minds are spectacular and dirty.
7. By 2:00 AM on any given Friday gravity will have brought roughly $4.65 in spare change back to the damaged Earth from which it was augured.
8. Oh, and a $1 bill. But believe you me when I tell you I compromised when I fetched it from the swamp.
9. The sobriety of a ping pong player can be determined, after the fact, by whether or not he or she sat the paddle at a cant atop the resting ball. The sober always do. And, need I clarify, by sober I mean serious?
10. There is simply no stifling the gag reflex when changing a soiled urinal puck. The monastic humility fostered in the act is transcendent and rewarding.