Monday, September 21, 2009

Everything tastes like candy.


Willem De Kooning - Lucifer (Dutch American 1947)

Everything tastes like candy when you've been
--lost at sea.

"Instead of time."


You know how bullshit makes me dizzy. Well, this morning I awoke with a can of Tecate in my hand, pretty much unclothed, and, without so much as a fashionable iota, carried my sorry ass to the record heap and drew Barbirolli conducting Mahler's 9th. I tell you what, there outta be a separate jail for assholes like this. This is the composition that actually makes me look forward to dying! It's radiance is immeasurable. It's philosophical import can hardly be exaggerated. But somehow this Barbirolli cunt managed to deflavor it to such a pulpy shitmass that I almost feel like I'm stuck in front of one of those goddamned Star Wars movies with music by John Whatshisfuck.

The silver living to this fecal puff is that upon reaching the turntable I found that my roommate had swallowed a hard and baffling Steelers loss to the FUCKING BEARS by spinning out the evening to Frank Sinatra's In the Wee Small Hours. I tell you what, it must take a grown up fucking guy to lose Ava Gardner. I don't envy him that. Anyway, I mention it because the notion that there are people between the rural lights of our land dozing off to that record almost makes up for Tim Geithner and the bloodsuck casuistry that is rapidly developing as the Obama administration. And by the way, if you think a healthy fucking slice of our President's detractors are not racist cunts then kindly wake up while any given placard is being waved cariacaturing him as a monkey. Fuck them, but double fuck you. Alright, my beer's getting warm and I think the sun might be coming up.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

First, the sea.


James Abbott McNeil Whistler (attributed) Untitled seascape (American 19 c.)

First the sea, and I will gain everything from this.

How do I get away from You?
Closer to You?

I've lost everything in the white circles and
You, Drenching and Swollen Drenching Superiority

You host everything.

I can't come back.
If I begged and left the rent motes of my pride,
And begged
And if I came to you with my bare arms,
And without surprise, gainless,
And without anything in my dry throat but the reaching for You

Could I come back and belong to You?

I know. I know. I see the way It lights on You. Let me sit here.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Social studies.


Damien Hirst - The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living (British 1989?)

People who think about social studies fall in love.
People who think about love are around,
Their bikes chained to a stickered pole,
And the bank is still open.

Butcher shop curiosity.


Edward Hopper Sun in an Empty Room (American Eventually)

After all this civility, this.

A mouse idling by a heap of pulpy fingers.

Eventually the door sign flips over and

The vermin digests his food in an ambient

Slant.

On fire.


Still of Renee Jeanne Falconetti from Dreyer's Passion of Joan of Arc (French 1928)


The differences between man and child can be reduced to this general observation. Ask each to draw a human hand. Allow that each mistakenly draws it with only four fingers. Allow each to correct. The child draws a new finger over top the established hand--his architectural genuis permits. The man accepts the defect. Everything, its warmth.

In the hearts, on paper.



Caravaggio - St. Jerome (Italian 1606)

It rises in the final dew and kids are drunk.

There is a plant I discovered that grows,
Unwilling to give us its salve.

It has escaped from our usage,
It is inhabitant--it is out there,
Uncut.

Look first for the speckling, as speckling
occurs all around.

The disturbance of a breeze, too,
Is a dead giveaway.
A fungus nearby,

Also the sun.

Bring a notebook to document the leaves,
The throaty stem,
The stamen...

Oh sure, I know what you're thinking.

A repottable mum

The error in discovery lies lifting in the hearts of the searchers
Even before the fact, which is why, among other things,
The kids are drunk.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Shark sandwich.


Dedicated to my pals, Todd & Danielle, out in Bowling Green, and to the great poet, F.A. Nettelbeck, all of whom have stirred this shit loose.

Because it was a gift, and with uncompelled great humor am I listening to, for the first time, George Wright's 1957 Hammond stir-up record, George Wright Plays the Hotsy Totsy Organ. It's an amusing thing from a time when the sexiest thing around was a girl's knees. Anyhow, it's incredibly shitty and reminds me of a product called Hotsy Totsy, which is a caustic used to clean deep fryers in restaurant kitchens. There is a spider the size of the moon blocking the moonlight, and if I were fucking Napoleon I couldn't say with more strident conviction, I am in love with this thing.

The flapper on the sleeve is kinda janky, but I probably wouldn't kick her out of bed. Who knows.

Seeing.


Edward Hopper Cape Cod Morning (American 1950)

When I was a kid the scariest thing I could imagine was being the guy who set the window glass in the top floors of skyscrapers. Each time the same image materialized as my palms iced over. The pane tilts and he uses the pressure from his chest to push it into the fitting.. There is no rope to suspend him, no ledge. He's just standing there in midair, with the white sky flashing on the perimeter of a new room.

Later in life I would find the long gaze in that guy's eyes in the paintings of Edward Hopper. One in particular portrays a beautiful woman leaning against a bay window, her gaze carrying across a repeating line of trees. They share this incidental blindness, one that captures nothing of the moment, the immediate, but has no trouble taking in the heartbreak of what lies beyond it. Like they share a curse; they cannot be surprised.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

About girls.


"I came here today to talk to y'all about girls. And I know, I got a good crowd, and y'couldn't ask for a more beautiful day. But my car just got towed, and everything costs money."

If sincerity was raw onions.


Willem de Kooning The Door to Something or Other (Dutch-American 1960)

Just picture it,
Which sounds strange,
Talking about the taste.


But do.

Picture how it ruptures,
How the senses change.

Alit.

Italic
Mary Cassatt-Breakfast (French1897)

"Most of these people are only gonna remember how he come down on one wheel like un, but it took practice to do that. Damn, it's raining again."

Decent bread.



Begin with the weakest,
Developing
Foam.
Okay, use that encouragement:

You have watched it bloom from a thread.
You have known it all along,
Now gather it.

It's bullion has been cast long and thin on us all.

With this readiness and no other could you remain
Black
In your varied
Patience.

Oh now.


Unattributed photo of Josephine Baker (1927)

The lead is open to sensation,
That's all the stage direction he gets.

There is an ebony table battered with mail and a feather like the hectic one they used to write with.

And he is open to sensation.

The miracle worker.


Edouard Manet The Lemon (French 1880)

Kafka's letter to his father was well over a hundred pages long when his mother decided not to give it to him. Perhaps the distinguishing aspect of the contemporaneity is our mutual unrest over when one is on. I never used to say I love on. But now, I love on. I love on.

Liebestraum.


Joan Mitchell Chord VII (American 1987)

Glass, plastic, dog, window glass, plastic, reconstituted paper, glass, canary image, pile, can, remote controls, decoration, picture, leather (sorry), vinyl, reconstituted paper, toilet paper, carpet, the left side of my face, key metal, glass, window, condensation, glass immediately, my lips, vinyl, ocean, ocean, ocean, glass, paramedic speaking yinzer, why can't I find the 78 of fucking Spike Jones doing Liebestraum?

The aesthetic of decay.


John White Alexander Repose (American 1895)

I was in eleventh grade when I drove with some friends to see Leonard Cohen sing at a concert hall in New Jersey. He did "First We Take Manhattan", and between the backs of two well-dressed women I could see Mr. Cohen memorially holding a diamond bracelet in his hand as he sang about one place, then another, then jail. Of all the love songs a guy could sing, his had to touch upon world domination. Even in eleventh grade, inexplicably, that made sense to me.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Vertigo dream (9/7/9).


Gerhard Richter Zwei Liebessare (German recent)

How silly it felt to climb the taller,
More daunting tower,
Having fought the guard and left him down--lungs
Full,
Only to see the peculiarity there
And look across--
It was the other one:

The unguarded one,
With no staircase
To the top--

The rich recipient
Of moonlight,
It eschews the climber,
Stranding him in a place commonly reserved for the cowardly,
Its shadow.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

The opposite of flowers.


Andrew Wyeth The New Table (American 1940's?)

Once it would've made sense to arrive with flowers in hand,
Maybe because, for the occasion, they always did,
Or for the violent introduction of color,
The waning flush of providence: severed,

And then bandaged.

See them in one's arms, another's
Arms, standing together on a table between
Bouts of dishes smeared and visited between nightly dinings--as if
Ingeniously inserting a comma at the hour.

With what unprecedented kindness did someone finally
Recognize that they're in the way, lowering an inch each day
As if embarrassed, drooping under the burden of disarticulation?

And in doing so did he imagine the heart without exercise, or did he clean everything first,
With new plans for the clearing he cut?

Saturday, September 5, 2009

The brighter world below.



Saturday morning. A quick word before work.

Nothing remarkable about it, but leaking over like a bag of transplant-grade human kidneys onto the couch last evening, with that familiar dubious scrapple odor even the dog won't sniff more than twice, I somehow managed to work the arcade crane game I call a right arm--the left is more in the family of a putrescent scallion, to play a nice record of Vasary's Chopin.

I mention it because there are moments when connections to that brighter world are scarce, and in their scarcity the urgency brightens with its surroundings--and in doing so do we observe how some are best that way. When one is down another says, 'It's alright pal, I've been there'. Must we not look to the surface where the sun above is already striking and say, too, 'I've been there'?

I'd like to think so--and so plainly, as if only in the self-dignification that emboldens speech above sleeping expression where we are--you can rely on this, not found for one another.

Also, I just wanted to recommend Tamas Vasary's Chopin (Deutsche Grammophon ST 136 452).

And a good morning to you.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The bounty of the commonwealth.




There's an old adage that I--likely in error, correlate with the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania and hope one day to find on our license plate. It reads:

Until you've actually palmed forcefully and squeezed clean the juice of a charred lemon on a garden tomato in your hour, salt, pepper, thyme and the reproductive touch of the sun attendant, and punched your dumbass uncle out cold before he could go mushy and cry drunk you just have not tasted the Living such and such and so forth.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Common evening primrose.



"Heaven assumed shoulders high in the room."
-R.E.M.,-'Perfect Circle'

"Even this horse will founder backward
to coin, cannon, and domestic pots..."
-Kay Ryan, 'All Shall Be Restored'



The worst is how recombinant this
Wisdom is and it is

And it defeathers and it's reluctant,

And--open a window,
It's reluctant!--
And if I was just a fun patch of elbows I'd
Roll in the field, like that
Giant recreational ball in Spain
People pay money to ride
Wearing pads and cameras
Rolling,

Which of course costs nothing
To the ball and field.

This includes complimentary light and its swift
Pollinated angles.

*Charles M Schulz 'Lucy' (American 1950's)

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Limited pliability.


This started as a status update on Facebook, which is a horrible thing to admit.

I was driving my roommate's car to work this morning when the Aerosmith song "Rag Doll" came on the radio. I left my body and traveled over the heads of all those souls to whom this shit was being marketed. From above I could see the wear marks, how at first they resisted, then grew weary, and wearier still, finally arriving at a broken state half surrender, half hypnosis. The song is about a rag doll who lives "in the movies" and does other things. There's a sexual undercurrent and a sense of narrative empowerment fleshed out in the phrase "Yes I'm movin'/I'm really movin." I ended up so far beyond where I needed to be, probably just trying to escape that condescending smother pattern of car ad-car ad-Aerosmith ad-car ad-car-car ad.

And I thought about what I loved, how to my way of thinking it was different, and that if I belonged to the other world, the one below, I would probably not mind so much being that one generally takes the intellectual and empiricial tenor of his own being as a point of limited pliability.

When I got home I decided to try out an exercise in meditation. Donning an old motorcycle helmet left in the hallway by the last tenant and a pair old shop class safety goggles blacked out with electrical tape I began running headlong at the kitchen wall, repeatedly, listening to Big Youth. The idea was to replicate, not merely in the corners and depths of my body, but in a deeper state of being that wild, comical expression he uses that goes something like:

Heeeeeh...

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Supplementary moonlight.

Julia Roxburgh Tea cups (British recent)


The group had arrived at the three week-marker of Mike's bachelor party when I just sorta snapped into an incredible wild peace.

I don't know which of big Bill's sorrows are sweeter, that this party's over or that I can't use the light as an excuse any longer--with a straight face. I sounded like a douche when I tried to talk--just never quite got the tone right, but also, in my defense and in defense of that peace through which some hue of self-love must have run--without the screeching din of narcissism for once--never quite got that 'shut up dummy' self-incrimination blue. Line of the evening came in Mike's puzzling over an old girlfriend, saying he couldn't believe they ever had sex because they were so bone-skinny that their hips colliding must've sounded like someone "banging together two tea cups". Later I tried to pass along some mac & cheese to foxy girls at The Castel but what came out was a bunch of leery words coated too thickly in vomit and too thinly in platonic diplomacy to not earn a slap in the face. How did I not get slapped in the face. Maybe I got slapped in the face. Also I think we watched Steel Magnolias.

Anyhow I awoke in a fugue moment, with a hot cup of coffee in one hand, re-reading a favorite old New York Times article, this one on the notorious pianist/fraud, Joyce Hatto. Regaining my wits I showered and, in dressing, discovered the distilled essence of my baseness: I refuse to spend a few bucks at a drug store for a sewing kit to mend up the hole in my shorts out of which my dick keeps falling at inappropriate times.

But I'm not gonna let myself get all bent out of shape over it. Please pardon all ensuing and prior instances of blurting nudity. I'd truthfully do the same for you.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Nothing to be done.


I got myself good and superbly drunk the other night, hanging out with Crystal. It was late and she didn't want to get a ride with the guy she came with. She spent the walk home asking me why this guy (a different guy) wouldn't come around, and I pretty much asked her the same thing about a girl. In the end it was just a lot of me telling her that she's pretty and everything---which she is, I wasn't lying. But there was this one great moment when she dumped her bag on Brereton because she'd lost her keys. We went back to Gooski's, to where she had been sitting and the tall Italian dude who looked like Max Von Sydow and definitely had a neat design mapped out for himself and her and didn't like me on account of it was still sitting there, grousing about it. She poked her head in the door and in her apologetic voice, which come to think about it she has an apologetic voice all around, said, "I'm just looking for my keys." I poked in because I just wanted to see the gang again and it just seemed kind of funny. Besides I'm sure it burned that dude up pretty bad. What a dump.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Twisterella.




Billy Liar
, the sweet-natured 1963 coming-of-age comedy by John Schlesinger, is a movie worth going back to. The first time I saw it was, nearly half a decade ago, my pals, JT and Helen out in Philly, chose it for a dinner and a movie night. Maybe after enough pints spent hearing my lionization of epic children--having long counted titles like The Unvanquished, Other Voices, Other Rooms, The Catcher in the Rye, A Separate Peace, Lord of the Flies and Chris Ware's stunted bizarro bildungsroman, Jimmy Corrigan, Smartest Kid on Earth as touchstones, they figured it was time my affinity evolved. Maybe it was that the gilding of hard youthful lessons distracted me from the equally hard--if less youthful, lessons that were to follow, that with age must come other generations of spiritual wounds, diversions and errors.

Our culture absorbs movies like this into its deepest tissues, the characters reemerge in satires--as remakes. We dream of having children just to show them this and not everything else.

Ride's seminal Brotpop single, "Twisterella", a jangling Hollies-like dance pop-out, takes its name from the tune Billy co-wrote--a rapturous and innocent bit of bubblegum, perhaps Billy's only invention not to injure his working-class beloveds (or himself for that matter). The Decemberists too, with bookish exhibitionism forged, with "Billy Liar", an only vaguely related character piece, replete with conveniently trisyllabic words and ever baffling Victorian speech mannerisms.

Of course what sets the movie apart from the book written by Keith Waterhouse in 1959 (the same year as the publication of Catcher in the Rye) besides Schlesinger's acrobatic balance of pathos and ridiculousness, are the performances of Tom Courtenay (as Billy) and Julie Christie (as Liz).

Their chemistry (generated here, and again two years later in Dr. Zhivago) popped up in yet another musical ode--two, when you consider the complementary single version and alternate take, Yo La Tengo's "Tom Courtenay". Husband Ira Kaplan sang the A side version, a faithful shoegaze buzzer full of admiration and empty promise forgivability. It's a Billy Liar love letter worthy of Billy's own immoderate hand--written not to the characters but the actors playing them. Schlesinger used the concept of role-playing and staged drama to great effect, showing worlds overlapping one another, but separated by willful deceptions and armored fantasies. Yo La Tengo imaginatively went at it with a kind of blurred distinction between who the real subjects even were: the characters or the actors. Georgia's singing of the same song, an alternate take rescued on the 2005 collection, Prisoners of Love, a paean from Liz' frame of mind. Much as Georgia patterned herself on Liz' charm and liberality, she revealed in between the cracks a kind of pining suspected in Liz, but given that much of that buouyant charm derived from either her mystery or her unknowability--maybe both, never quite glimpsed with such dimension. It gave the tune an empathetic quality that puts its on high in our poplife menagerie of tired reference and painfully self-conscious homage. In the end I've resolved for my own liking that Georgia's is the definitive version regardless of where it wound up, and how it came to us.

Ultimately I love how these movies, and their lovely barnacles compel us to go back, weigh them again, and with diminishing surprise, feel the difference in meaning from year to year. When last I watched a disgraced Billy Fisher desert his love at the train station last I felt the hopeless familiarity accompanying his march back to the house where he grew up, as if watching my own mistakes played back for me. Wasn't he doing what he'd always done? Wasn't he running back to his shell, the boyhood providence, the unprofitable daydreams? And who abandons Julie Christie anyway?! This time around I thought differently. It wasn't the abandonment of love at all, in fact it was the opposite. The daydreamer was going back to the source of his problems, to the things he needed to change about himself, maybe even to care for the people who sheltered him in the nadir of his spinning disconnect.

It's actually a fantastic little scene, one in which, much as Georgia would nab it from Ira in the song, Julie Christie's Liz stole that final scene in the train station from her daydreaming man: The train is set for London, they'll have a life together. Billy's lies, romantic clusterfucks and petty crimes can become a thing of the past. It's a fresh start, except it couldn't possibly be. Liz sees it. Billy fidgets in his seat as the porter calls the last of the passengers in for final boarding. He needs an excuse. One last lie so he can go back and set all the other things right. There is an order to things. He rushes from the train to fetch the two of them some milk for the journey. He retrieves two bottles from the machine, turns and finds the train has left the station. Likely knowing Billy too well to be fooled Liz has left his suitcase on the landing. It's like in that charming breed of human acceptance born most often later in life in many of us and never in as many others, she says without bitterness, "not yet."

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Remind me.


Leave it to someone with a better footing in the rational world to elucidate the psychological purposes of dreams; I come from a perspective that dictates the less I say the better.

I say that now...

This morning and last night and the night before I tried explaining--with the kind of atmospherically charged frustration attendant in certain phantasms of 20th century Russian painter, Marc Chagall, in which a simple Dikanka farmer, perhaps even on his wedding day--in this case the Dikanka farmer is yours truly, though I waste no time in clarifying I haven't marrying aspirations, abandons the conventions and physical template of space to grasp, as one might, reaching into the bounty of the sky a mylar balloon, the moon itself or some kind of celestial goat to punch in lieu of a living person who might, in response, sue or consult law enforcement, a dream of agonizing spiritual dimensions.

I couldn't capture the essence of this dream. It was all around me, but I felt like I was fumbling with dull buttered lobster mitts. A while ago I half-jokingly offered to sell my hands on account of tough times and I now take that back. It was a dream about a woman falling asleep. But the rest is too elusive. And of course the intercession of the rain--both terrestrially and in the narrative of the dream made my brain shut down in a kind of stunned interjection of wildest natural beauty. One of those moments when you abandon your itinerary and accept the serendipity of your surroundings.

Of little consolation, I remembered the dream I had about Joe B., involving the Herman Melville novella, Billy Budd, in which, with characteristically stoic romanticism, from the bow of Billy's conscripted ship, The Rights of Man, Joe and I regard an enormous News Gothic-style lowercase e sticking up from the sea on the horizon as if it was an iceberg or an island. He explains how it fell from the story, and somehow that's just the most remarkably sad thing I ever heard.

Oddly enough this was just meant to be one of those posts about the shit I bought at Jerry's Records this morning. The big find was a white label copy of Van Morrison's 1967 post-Them solo debut, Blowin' Your Mind. It's just kind of eh, but that tune 'T.B. Sheets' is terrific for a hot summer day when you're penned up inside with a few bottles of cerveza and sweating gratefully over the realization that you are not dying a consumptive tubercular death in a sweat-stained bed.

I found a delirious, raucous Hound Dog Taylor live record, nice mono copy of Chuck Berry's Greatest Hits on the Chess label and a heart-exploding Little Anthony & the Imperials record.

Oh shit, there's also this fantastic Fats Waller record on RCA Victor--his mischievous grin luminescent, like Jackie Gleason's in the intro to The Honeymooners, and a late-60's 45 reissue of Erroll Garner's 'Misty', which I've loved--like many people, ever since seeing the fantastic 1971 Clint Eastwood movie, Play Misty For Me. I said to myself, the disc in my hand, someday sooner or later you're gonna feel as dirty and sad as a grizzly bear's asshole. And you're gonna want to hear 'Misty'. So I got that too.

More on the substantiation of the sleeping woman dream as my faculties augur it from the pot tar and too too many late nights boxing it out with the Mule of the Night...

Sunday, July 19, 2009

The year.




Greetings from the great state of Impermeable Sleeptitude. If you're just joining me I was needlessly explaining the significance to some of the familiar faces--folks for whom my insomnia has bred excuse-making and concerns over purple clouds having left shadows on the eyes, of the solid granite paperweights in the form of repeating Z's lying atop the level surfaces in the bedroom. At a glance it looks like a quixotic art project, which is why up til now I have never even mentioned the presence of these stone formations. And only now it is with the mounting agitation of finally acknowledging an elephant in the room. The less that is made of it the better.

Be patient, as the recurring dream about Gogol is about to start. In it he explains how beet-related gas emissions caused an ejection from a ladies' house in Dikanka (down one flight of stairs, the momentum from which rolled him across a brief parquet and to a landing, which upon reaching continued his descent until he was met by the humorless substance called: Dikanka). It comes back to me fairly often, even for a recurring dream. I think the reason is because his narrative grasps at all the most-often disparate though seemingly compatible elements of self-consciousness: his sexuality, his body awkwardness, and his propensity to turn the search for happiness into misfired, if innocuous, slapstick.

The anecdote I tell him isn't as thrilling, one about meeting Tanya Donnelly and thinking for sure we're gonna hook up, but then we don't. It's Washington D.C., probably around 1994 or 95. He rightly points out that it doesn't matter when or where it happens. People like to add that such and such was based on a true story, mostly because it seems, in the hindsight of invention, like it didn't happen.

Even now I wonder if I don't keep having the same dream over and over til I figure it out where the wishbone snaps in perfect halves, and I say just the right thing, and leave out the part about Washington D.C. and the year.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Everything I associate with you I once associated with storms.



I awoke this morning thinking of rich people eating breakfast. Well, brunch actually. There is an event held nearby each weekend at one of those converted steeler mansions. They throw open their doors to all, but seem only to invite those who could at least plausibly inhabit the grand old place as tenants. The rest of us just look and feel kind of unwanted. The house says no. This event is called 'Bach Beethoven & Brunch' and sounds preposterous. I like the idea of a secular alternative to the conventional forms of worship and I love Bach and brunch. But the confluence of money, cultural showboats and foreboding real estate just sounds gross.

Instead I had a cup of coffee sitting in a bathtub. I was looking at ferns, housesitting in the most literal sense. The first record of the day, which as best as I can date it, goes back to the mid-30's but could be as late as 1943, was called, "Hula Blues" by Sol Hoopii. As I wandered off, occasionally batting away a curious kitten (the only time a cat ever wants a bath is when you're in the bath), I thought of all the disconnect and hard resistance fought by artists who emerged in the good light by virtue of talent alone. And then I thought of the rest of us, how limited we are by those means, and how we're compelled, not always by the direct motivation of happiness, but by the displacement of an audience we do not enjoy. By the lack of a recognized greatness. I was listening to Mozart's Piano Concerto no. 20, in D minor and then a formative favorite, the tumultuous 2nd Piano Concerto by Rachmaninov.

The former, by my limited means of articulation and insight on the subject, shows a quality in Mozart that I suspect may even have been watershed to his composition, the unity of confidence and color invested in the solo instrument in the context of the orchestra. There is no room for preening, though the piano delivers limitless surges. The authorial instinct gave intelligence to the strings in a way familiar to anyone who enjoys, say, Gauguin or (my favorites) those old WWII-era Warner Brothers cartoons, all of which rely so heavily on the currents and rigor of the backgrounds, without which the central characterizations would pale. I know precious little about Mozart, and sometimes to a silly degree wish I could have met him just to watch old cartoons and trade Playboys from the 60's--the ones in which the very idea of nudity is only possible as an outrageous opposition to the equally contrived setpieces in which it is displayed. What a blast.

Of course there's high school, but that Rachmaninov, anymore, reminds me of a wonderful movie from 1945, Brief Encounter, starring the magnetic Celia Johnson and Trevor Howard, the latter whom you may remember as the embattled English cop in The Third Man. When I think back to its evocations--the concerto, it now feels slightly strange to associate it with a romantic scene, an association made concrete in a terrific staircase farewell sequence in the movie. In much the same way young people are occasionally caught off guard by Turner and Constable, I was impressed by something in the 2nd Piano Concerto that felt purely abstract and atmospheric. Like Turner's roiling waves hugging the sun and all but blotting out the doomed evidence of sea-going humankind, this concerto speaks in heavy, ominous gestures. It's amusing to think of it just now. I heard it at an age when nothing romantic had ever done that.

This recording was made for the Remington label (1950-57; the specific date of this recording escapes me), one that creeps up in my crate digs with increased frequency these days. Listeners in the Pittsburgh area are advised to check out the small but impressive Remington section at Jerry's. A budget label devoted to classical recordings, Remington captured in a way few small imprints could the austere stylism and substance of the golden age of the record industry--a time when the currency of art in music recording was king.

Sadly, brunch will not be served today. The photos I took of last night's grilled sockeye salmon and sweet and sour potato ratatouille came out dark and blurry. Customarily I like that in food pictures, lends them a kind of Bruegelesque binge delirium. But I was really relying on my cheapo digital Polaroid to pick up up a little of that ruby red grapefruit color of the fish, offset by the onyx cubes of eggplant. No dice.



On a final editorial note, I extend gratitude to my latest reader, Cap'm. Thanks for your kind words. I'll be following along with you!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

"I keep intending to tell you..."



Just a quick word before I shuffle off to work this morning on my enchantment with Tammy Wynette's angelic 1969 Nashville record, Stand By Your Man. It still dumbfounds me that a record with such a heavy populist soul bent hasn't made a more wide-spread comeback, whereas, say, Etta James' At Last and Dusty Springfield's Dusty in Memphis are both now nearly as widely recognized as records by Aretha Franklin and The Beatles.

One song in particular has been stuck in my head in the craziest way for months now, and especially now--perhaps owing in no small part to the fever pitch adherence I've developed to Camera Obscura's My Maudlin Career, hardly a day goes by that I don't at least cut right to "It Keeps Slipping My Mind" and sad out just for the hell of it. Books are waiting to be written on the subject of sad songs that sound happy (by Joy Division standards 'Love Will Tear Us Apart' is quite chipper sounding) but the Wynette tune, co-written by Nashville wizard, and this session's producer, Billy Sherrill, is just the opposite. So much so that I made the discovery of its bold soul-in-drag interior in a fit of personal self-abuse and indulgence. It involved beer, pie-eyed ogling and "It Keeps Slipping My Mind" on a jukebox. When I got up close to it, and separated its sentiment from the mirage of its overlying country torch song sensibility it made me laugh to myself. The gist is simple, Tammy pulls her old flame aside, she's been meaning to tell him something. The sound is plaintive and soars in the way Nashville tells us heartache soars. She goes on to sing about love's errors and regrets, but in the end she has to admit, she's moved on. All the things she thought she had to say no longer bother her, she's made peace. It's a lap steel-gilded take on the adage that the best revenge is good living.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Onglet.


Oui. Shit oui.

These are low fire days and once--not a week ago, okay maybe two, I felt one of those mortal convictions one has (e.g. "I will throw up if I crawl back to religion...or to so and so..."), and believed it was impossible to live without those encumbrances. Eh.

I've been stocking shelves at a grocery store which is hardly as dehumanizing as it sounds. Truthfully I don't care any longer what I do for money. As long as it ends in money, and after money the work is there to make more money I guess it's just shoving verbs at nouns and waiting for the managerial compliments to roll in. They roll in like hatemail, and I get 20% off pretty much everything, save for The Pittsburgh Post Gazette, which is hardly worth a verbal gripe--certainly not worth typing, though nevertheless...

After years of buying the Gray Gal--it's price expands as it grows ever smaller, I don't even wince (outwardly) anymore when paying the floor price for the, geez, there really is no nickname for The Gazette. Malnourished. People definitely see it in the deep end of my gaze, which has gained a troublesome opacity in the last year, the concoction of which involves being willfully depressed, sleeping little and literally eating oily mud along the side of the turnpike between residences. I can't help it, I love Pennsylvania.

Today was another grand dream. I got slightly high the moment I woke up, and walked the dog. I was nearly late for work. I was 15 minutes late. This evening I made some flank steaks in the cast iron skillet with spring onions and almond romesco. Oh shit yeah: corn on the the cob. I tell you, if Chanel could just bottle it she'd be famous all over again. But then it wouldn't feel quite like this.

Forget what I just said.

Ella, sensing my dolor at Frick Park today, acts out one of my absolute favorite scenes from Paths of Glory.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

End intermission.



And so I've reached the conclusion of a brief, intermittently rewarding, phase of The auld lang syne.: A life in verse...eh, not so much for me. At least not a public one. Short of that and with what the past few weeks has shown to be a taming of ways--with no heartfelt desire for any of the old instigations, it's liable to look a bit like nap time around here.

I'll be housesitting for my pals, Wendy and Robert, quite a bit this month. Between their fantastic kitchen, and patio with a grill and a view, don't be surprised if this thing in short turn morphs into a bit of a food blog. And if interjections as to my spending habits at Jerry's strike a familiar chord among readers of the always great 7" Slam--from whom both template and energy have been admittedly drawn then all the better. Food and records is a good way of life and 7" Slam is shining the light.

I realized this past spring having logged resident intern hours watching The Food Network and The Travel Channel that, whether by programming strategy or by innate lack of diverse curiosities, many food personalities (what a creepy, Cronenbergian notion!) project little enthusiasm beyond their milieu. Anthony Bourdain, a guy I once followed with nearly a disciple's reverence, has become a tv gadabout, defensively mocking his own purposeless vignettes, occasionally dropping the same three or four Class of 77' punk band names--while confessing love for necrotic American hacks like Red Hot Chili Peppers and Pearl Jam in an interview with The Onion's AV Club. The man's taste is his own of course, but he was as close to a mainstream personality whose predilections sat with my own. There are others less form-fitted to my interests whose musical affinities are, I suspect, at least passably adventurous. Oddly, the cloyingly autonymic Rachael Ray has emerged one of the sharpest, whose party at the South By Southwest Festival was met by the scorn of haters and hipsters alike; the latters' precarious iconocasm was suddenly met by the possibility that a woman who runs her own line of gourmet dog food and designer cutting boards could, by simply showing a little risk in her listening curiosities, mar their already preposterous generational identity. I'm pretty sure Ray's party went off despite the clamor, and no doubt the food was fantastic.

I really hate these explanatory transitional writings. They invariably feel short on respect for the reader's ability to gauge a broader trend that encompasses the direction of a publication. Something must've happened. I suppose it did. Apologies for the effusion. I'll have some grub for you by the end of the weekend without a doubt. Happy holiday!

Monday, June 8, 2009

Spring cleaning.


I spent some of this afternoon cleaning out unwanted emails from my inbox when I came across E. B. White's obituary. I mailed it to myself back in the winter of 2007, hoping probably to write something about it, but never found the right project. It really deserves to be read. I've often thought Charlotte's Web (or for my money The Letters of E. B. White) constituted art of patriotic significance. There are universal themes and truths at work in White's writings, but the tone and sincerity are uniquely American. These books belong in hotel drawers in lieu of the Bible.  When I travel I do not like to be reminded of the Bible.  

And while I'm revising patriotic signifiers I always thought the playing of the National Anthem should be discontinued at ball parks. Instead I like Ella Fitzgerald's version of The Gershwins' "Of Thee I Sing". It's a better song for one. And the sense of benevolence and good humor it would foster would make the game roll better.  We've already worked beer and National Hebrews into the festivity; what gives with that stiff sobering song?  

It is the kind of thing that makes America sound like Margaret Dumont in a Marx Brothers movie:  Shrill, dim and willfully unattractive. Needy in a way.  

How could we ever be happy to be seen in such a light, let alone how could we celebrate ourselves in it?   

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The hissing.


Cristian Stefanescu-The Nymphettes (Romanian recent)

It's here, soft hissing,
Having been suspected elsewhere.
Spotted on hikes, and in dimly lit abandonments.
If you listen the sustaining tone can spring
With the strength of the imagination,
Or the stamp of the Moon on the blue background--

If it had a soul it would surely think itself an improvement
Upon the dark.
Undeserving people will enjoy it, tuning it out eventually
While others wait what seems like forever,
Their pulses sensitive to the untolling music of it.

See them facing the wall,
See them facing the harsh
Genuinely believing that everyone must suffer--
And maybe everyone must suffer.
But maybe. It could happen, please wait with me.

It is in the varieties of
Gone.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Little guy.


I have found the new mosquito:
He pinches between things,
Plumbing against the woodhardy thigh,
Regarding a day in long inches, rugged short sleeve,
And what the wind will do to a little guy.

It's just an idea, what I said,
Stay in contented land with a wife:
You can relax, pop a bulging raisin in your teeth
And suck the brown sugar under the drowsy shadow of
Your tongue.

There's so little to what you want.
At least you put it out there.
That brief juice runs,
Parasite in midmorning
And what is love

And what bellows with love
Drowns with that briefest
Delirious liquor.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

This is also part of the moment.



The imaginary light, who knew 
It was so different?!
With what suspicion did they
Read darkening books,  reject a 
Referee's call,
Call their kids indoors under the orange private property?

Provided that it 

Is the same peering color 
And that it is as bright (and therefore so easily mistaken)
Was there any curiosity in that what
It touched was somehow less suspicious?


Friday, May 22, 2009

If only you believed.



The older you get the the less a day off is a day off.  It becomes an auxiliary, all unfinished business is stuffed in square-peg-in-round-hole style til counter-intuitively the day off contains more work than the work day.  I use mushrooms to get by.

But lets let that wait for now.  This morning began innocently enough with one of my recent favorite distractions, playing songs on Blip.com.  I'm sure it's making someone money, but every now and then I get "props" from a pretty woman with good taste in music and it keeps me another inch from the edge.  Fuckin A.  

So sometime later I walked Ella over to the laundromat for some long overdue washing.  When I say--or evince in pure spirit as is so often and disorientingly my m.o., that this will be the summer of hallucinogenics and the pursuit of happiness I should, again both literally and in pure spirit as evinced, add that I have also taken an unexpected interest in cleanliness.  As my days at the Goose are numbered--soon I will be but another lay person crashed out on the right side of the bar, I have found a new affinity for clean skin, clean hair,  and sartorial trapping free of burnt zucchini's unmistakable aroma.  Got me a haircut, a few items of personal hygiene, and have every intention of getting some new clothes before the tax return money is spent.  No rivulets of salty beer sweat here, just crazy trippy shit happening in my head all day and night.  Doctors will trace a catatonic burn-out condition back to this precise moment.  When we imagine the purpose of writing do we ever really anticipate it as having evidentiary impact?  Isn't the notion that it could come of anything similar to the notion of death, it's been proven time and again, but the prospect of it happening to ones self is, though not unrealistic, a tab bit hard to picture.  Someday this writing will explain a catatonic state.  There.

So I was at the laundromat with Ella, when a not unattractive woman approached me to pet the dog.  It was not long before she told me all about her dogs, the accumulation of pet hair on the rugs and empty nest syndrome.  She was really good natured and Ella liked her.  Now I don't know if it's because I was still drunk from the last night or whether she was communicating strangely (kind of like the Orson Welles movie, The Lady from Shanghai, which for a number of reasons, both technical and performative, involving the sound track of the movie I have no idea what it's about beyond the things a compromising man would do for Rita Hayworth).  Whatever the chemistry, I ended up slightly puzzled by her, and in short turn found myself trying to play catch-up with her meaning.   She raised terms like "task bartering", "child bartering", and "hang it on so and so".  It developed into one of those Double Indemnity scenarios.  If I'd have leaned into her and asked, "You want me to kill your husband, right?", she'd have--still petting the dog with a puckered baby play face mind you, have rebuffed me with, "Not here, we can't discuss it here."

 I don't like speaking ill of exhilaration, but the truth of it was that the Jefferson Starship song "Miracles" was playing on the radio in the laundromat as all this was happening and I just figured the prevailing air of confusion was a small price to pay to hear a song I'd always loved, the album of which I would likely never buy.  We pay.  One way or the other we pay for what we take.

I walked Ella home with the peculiar memory of the woman who wanted me to kill her husband ebbing as a more distant one quickly emerged.  This too involved "Miracles" and the presidential election of 1984.  I was nine, and the song was on the radio.  I got up before everyone else, and ate cereal by the radio.  I had just seen Walter Mondale on tv.  I have no idea, apart from the unbiased sequencing of long-term memory, why I link these events, or even why my imagination chose to fight so strongly to keep intact two banalities equally well-served apart.  But really, is what I don't know now so much worse than what I didn't know before conceding to this?  I am, above all things, striving for inner peace, and the shadow of doubt must find its bay.

Earlier, maybe an hour or so.  It was a Saturday and I had the tv room to myself, waiting for cartoons.  At that hour only the odious Christian-themed cartoons ran, and even then I found them unpalatable and hated the shoddy manner in which they attempted to disguise their moral monochromaticism with such bland characters and shitty artwork.  So I watched an informercial with Walter Mondale, he was discussing America's problems, the poor and such, basically making his case for the presidency.  I liked him.  He didn't seem like the kind of guy who would push you around.  Reagan always struck me as the kind of guy who would--like the kid at school to whom everyone was nice, but only because he was a violent asshole whose self-amusing wrath you'd just as soon avoid.  My dad was awake. "Miracles" was on the radio and summer as I first knew it permeated the absorbency of my alert life.  I thought this has to be a woman singing, but a woman who sounds like a man.  I always thought Carly Simon sounded like a man, too.  Like in a vacuum I could picture Carly Simon as a  dude.  It amused me from a young age to find that not only was Carly Simon a woman but thought of as something of a sex symbol.   Sometimes when flipping through records at a store I'll see cover art depicting an attractive but forgotten singer.  Julie London comes to mind, but I know there are better, more recent examples, just none I can think of off the bat.  I think:  it's instantly clear from this moment in time why this person got a record deal and why it didn't work out.  I wondered to my Dad why he didn't support Mondale instead of Reagan.  After all, my Dad hated douchebags and bullies as much as anyone.  His response is unprintable.  

A palindromic current of conservativism originated that would change courses in a feeling of being had just before my college years.  I still get a laugh though when I pass a record by Carly Simon in a record store.  Whatever dude.  

 

Monday, May 18, 2009

The thing.


Desiderio da Settignano-Little Boy (Florentine 15th c.) 

Before it rose even one time
It was full of blood, excuses and rain tantrums,

Pacing out how to walk steadily on a cupping limb,
It ought to be assumed the thing was born ignorant to the monolithic complexity:

Leaflet foot soles weightless and held in the air.

Thank that it rose at all, 
Rained at all, for giving you an enemy
So eagerly pitied and therefore
So readily mismanaged.

-----------

Mothers and fathers have gone a long while
Beating back the wild weeded run to a paradise,
They imagine being like Hawaii,
Their eyes already far ahead to that place
In the undisturbed future.

There will be red birds flying across the sun, 
Water rich with the reflections of ferns for them to swim, and still
--I'm sorry,
A predatory siren in the wood 
Lying patient, 

Ignored.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Signs.


There are two primary qualifiers for the great American city.  The first is the presence of decent Ethiopian food.  I like Ethiopian food, I'm not nuts for it.  Probably why I find it such a reliable indicator, that in its failure to arouse me personally it still manages an emissarial statement.  The second is that of at least one annual birthday dance party honoring Morrissey.  

Pittsburgh, I learned today, qualifies on both terms.  

Lately I've found the signage of this city curious.   The first example concerns our annual birthday party honoring Morrissey.  Among the selling points of the bash, listed first in fact, is 'Fresh Pastries.'  But then at some point after the sign was posted--the copy I saw was posted in the vestibule of Brillobox, 'Delicious Pastries' had been crossed out.  Barring either a myopic act of vandalism or an equally bizarre tribute band named 'Delicious Pastries' I had to conclude that there was a falling out between the venue and the baker, or between the party-thrower and the baker.  Or perhaps between the three of them.  It amused me to imagine--whatever the cost to actual human emotion, the fraught exchange, the revoking of baked goods, and finally, the revised notion of a Morrissey dance party with no baked goods, as had been promised.  Even bakers have problems.  But in the end we all stand to gain from celebrating Morrissey's birthday.  Here's hoping they patch things up in time.

$$$

The other rash of signage I mention touches on a sensitive subject here in Bloomfield:  three slain police officers.  Before I come off glib let me, for the sake of all due respect, say that officers Eric Kelly, Stephen Mayhle and Paul Sciullo III died valiantly on Saturday April 4th of this year, killed by an enthusiast of the Second Amendment and outspoken opponent of our Zionist state.  Infamy being a kind of fame only vaguely--and I'd say imperceptibly, dimmer in apprehension I'll refrain from repeating his name.  Sufficed to say the community has, as the saying goes, come together in the face of it.  There was a service up the street with bagpipes and a choir.  I took Ella for a walk and watched the procession.  I wrote to my parents, and recall a sense of grief I had not felt for fallen law enforcement since September 11th.

In the time since the shootings I've witnessed a distressing proliferation of flyers papers nearly every store front along Liberty Avenue.  It started with one that appeared, as do candidate election placards in regular distribution.  But over the weeks more personalized ones have popped up--a barbershop down the street posts seven--and a sandwich board.  The message, though given to slight variation consists of three basic tenets:  we show gratitude; we remember (vigilantly staving off the abnormality that is a forgetful mind); and we take single-faith comfort in knowing the slain police officers are with God now.  Several businesses have taken to peddling "Fallen Heroes" bracelets.  They're $2.00 each.  

There really is no way to segue through to my point now without coming off as a cynical, aloof collegiate liberal.  So fuck it.  The fact is these signs, these advertisements and souvenirs have become highly distressing.  They fetishize the grief, ignore the very valuable banalities of living, but most importantly they trivialize the world of death that surrounds just these isolated three.It s a funeral that refuses to end--an abnormality.  What began as personal expressions of grief and gratitude for honorable service has turned into a drone loop masking several unsettling elements of the crime and how it affects the community below its surface.  

First, when not mourning slain police officers many of us, to varying degrees of course, live in fear of them.  It makes the slayings no less tragic, and in fact as cop-fearing citizens many of us reveal our unconditional sympathies in just such moments.  We too were moved to great sadness.  The deferment of our fears has lasted nearly as long as the fundraising efforts. 

Another aspect of this incident which has been obscured is the poor custodianship we have, on so many levels, made of the Second Amendment to the Constitution.  As a gun-owner myself it wasn't until the Cheney-Bush Administration's Department of Homeland Security was instituted that the real impetus for this provision was felt in earnest.  Til then I just took it as an outdated entitlement to personal and organized defenses against the government (which it is) misused to ensure unstable persons will, on principle alone, be able to buy dangerous weapons (which it does).  I remain convinced that the Amendment is valuable to individual freedom.  But the all or none approach, as this incident bears out does not work.  Furthermore the one-sided focus on the victims is an unjust distraction from a great problem: The criminal element responsible for, and Constitutionally enabled in, the commission of these heinous acts.

I overheard a wingnut on the radio lay the blame on the police dispatcher for not giving proper advanced warning to the doomed officers.  Imagine the firestorm had air traffic been blamed for 9/11 as opposed to, you know, the terrorists.   

And you know I don't do myself any favors by writing things like that:  There are columnists and comedians who do it much better than do I, more articulately and fearlessly, with firmer insights into the framing legislation and debate.  But Jesus Christ, the signs.

So it is with a confessional heart and the sincerest desire to get off the burning path into the cool spring grasses of inconsequence that I come to the photograph included above.

Seen in the tableau are a bag of wheat flour, a bottle of Angostura bitters, a photograph of Truman Capote taken in the 1950's by, I believe Arnold Newman--or maybe Irving Penn, and in the foreground a plastic bottle of distilled white vinegar wearing an ill-fitting stopper.  You see, last night as I sat watching It's All Fair Weather at Gooski's with Dave & Sarah,  John, the bartender uncorked a bottle of Blanton's bourbon.  The cap is a  pewter racehorse--perhaps a subliminal emblem for its complementary effect on the mint julep, sitting atop a real cork stopper.  On removing it John said, 'I always tell myself to hold onto these.  But what would I do with them?'.  So I grabbed it, knowing I would wake up to find my hoodie pocket smelling of (a better brand of) bourbon the next morning.  So I awoke and so it did, and so it still does.  Somewhere in my reasoning too was the idea of creating a momentary piece of art in which the stately stopper was tucked into a cheap bottle of no real consequence.  King for a day.  There you have it.  I made good, but the effect, even I have to admit, is kind of poor.  I suppose there is some fabulous consolation in that I tried.  

Truth be told I discarded the stopper after snapping off the picture.  And I suppose that when all other messages of expression fail they succeed at least in lighting the end.

Update:  It's Delicious Pastries not Fresh Pastries.  Delicious Pastries.  They're a band.  Kinda sounds like they're in the wrong line of work.  I regret nothing.

You make me feel so blue.


Alexej von Jawlensky Das Oy-Tal (Russian-German 1910)

What a difference a Rozerem and spring cleaning can make.  Uncluttered, chemically well-rested, and at the foot of a day off, I am happy to say the world of music is alive.

Borodin.  I ought to not be talking about this Russian chemist's first string quartet, as it is a weekday diversion.  But it takes up a grand space in me, and as such, warrants honorable mention.  The daily ritual is to soft cook some eggs on macerated tomatoes--I add a pinch of light brown sugar to coax them along, give em a dash of sesame oil and some chili flakes.  It's one of a few dishes I make in which the dog shows no interest.  I eat in peace.

But it's a moody record, and today's going the opposite way.  A few weeks ago I mentioned how charismatic I (finally) found Neko Case.  Well, leave it to Camera Obscura to sneak in and steal her seduction-by-songcraft thunder with their most recent, My Maudlin Career.  Singer Tracyanne Campbell didn't gild lilies this time around, and the songs feel, compared to the sugary Let's Get Out of This Country, a bit restrained.  It's only fair to say that by nearly ANY other standards they are anything but.  However it is amid this mirage of disciplined jubilation and heartachy effusion that Campbell's voice achieves, as does ideal bath water, the temperature of disarmament.  No one that I can think of in indie or even mainstream pop has the hypnotic sexuality she has.  Over the past decade or so of music nerddom I've fallen into a pattern of infatuate, over-estimate and disappoint when it comes to throwback artists.  Maybe it began with Shelby Lynne, or Macy Gray. Hell, maybe Lyle Lovett.  Anyhow, the clause "not since" has come to signify a kind of reliable warning.  So when songwriting teams Boyce & Hart and Lieber & Stoller began to infect my swoony response to Camera Obscura I was alarmed.  Take a line (from 'You Told a Lie') like:

Are my eyes the coldest blue?
You said once this was true.
If it is I don't know what I'll do
'Cause I'm stuck with them,
And they're stuck on you.

Setting aside the physiological effect it has on me, it's a chorus whose literal invocation of blue-eyed soul is an elevation of the tired sub-genre mantle.  Mind you both in production and performance it draws self-conscious attention to its craft.  But when you got it, flaunt it.  This is quite simply the best country soul record I've heard in a long while.

So too was I the recipient of a righteous blood rush from Ghost, whose performance this past Thursday at the Andy Warhol Museum pushed them in the pantheon of bands I've most left the seclusion of home to see out.  It's such a dynamite equation.  Each time I get a slight reservation, handing the dude my ticket.  This is psych rock.  I could be home, high, on the couch.  You know, the ideal context.  Ghost produces such a diverse and inter-colliding host of sounds, moving from Rundgren-esque piano pop, to blast-out Nuge rawk that the opportunity for distraction is simply nowhere to be found.  Even when they spread out Ghost eschews noodling.  It is reassuring too that not only does a band of this cultish a status care enough to play such a career-encompassing set, but that in doing so they could do a solid sequence.  For as small a listenership as the band seems to enjoy there isn't a hell of a lot of filler to their repertoire.  Glad I left the house.

In truth, I am back to spinning the Borodin now.  So much for weekday solipsism.  In between shocks out in the world it is easiest to make happiness out of habit.  And the moodiness sponsored by a chemist, that's something that, for better or worse, refuses to leave you.  

New habits die hard.